Brutally honest: a peep into the first week of college

Hey peeps!

((Before anything, I'd just want to say happy weekend! Honestly glad it is the weekend already because to say that the past few days were hectic would have been an understatement. I am definitely tired, but happy, though. All's good with me and I hope it's the case with you too :>))

Just saying, I am scraping off the first paragraph written completely because who am I kidding? I wrote those like 2 days after the start of Orientation and felt that it was just as superficial as it sounded to you. The reason as to why I haven't been updating my blog for more than a week now is definitely not because of the late-night talks that my suitemates and I sometimes have, but because I was just in a murkier state of mind regarding this whole getting-to-know people and going through Orientation 'correctly'.

To be brutally honest, my first 2 days were great (if any of my suitemates are reading this, you guys rock!<3) cause we had been having many talks in the room and it was just a really exciting time of bonding again. It is as if I am living in a boarding school all over again, but without curfews. and without any silly drinking rules. AND without any of those really annoying Discipline Masters. Imagine that. How bomb is that? Yeah, I know right.

But as per your cliché story of people feeling socially exhausted when meeting many new people, it inevitably hits me that I may not essentially enjoy this whole new environment as much/as little as I wanted it to be. In its core, it was just the reality that did not match my expectation or the lack thereof. I guess it is human nature to want to be surprised by the new environment I was put in; but it is also human nature to still secretly only wished for the good surprises instead of truly embracing the possibilities of them all. And this was what I was guilty of.

It was not even that I was put in a difficult situation in which my wellbeing was at risk, but still, I felt lonely and emptier than ever during some of the supposed 'vulnerable sharings'. To assess it objectively will be a sin to my sentiments, so let me be biased for a second. Whenever someone uses the word vulnerable, I guess there is always a tug of wariness in people's hearts—we generally like feeling in control, but never excessively—and it is hard to let go of that wariness. Worse still, if put in social situations that promote openness, it is even more mandatory almost to actually put yourself out there and be vulnerable. At least that was what I assessed of the situation and of my unanticipated sadness during some of the activities in the whole duration. 

But then again, who am I to practically rule on others that they are supposed to feel/agree to the same way I am feeling, and thus manifest them in the same way that I was affected by them just so as to relate better with my feelings? This realization upon introspection that truly, in the essence of one's feelings at that fleeting moment of near vulnerability and the judgment to step away from it should be respected is paramount. And that was where I fell short. Always knowing myself as an extrovert, I thought it was just a natural process of discomfort and then relief whenever I put myself in a situation where I expected myself to be vulnerable. But as I grow older, I guess I forgot to check-in with how I am doing/feeling. As obvious as it is, it was more of me neglecting what I should have been doing—taking time to adjust to the 'new' me coming into a 'new' environment, and be okay and get used to it—and trying to put the blame on circumstances that I regretted thinking about. But yeah, this mind runs wild and sometimes a miss in thought is still a miss worthy of acknowledgment. 

So yes, to be brutally honest, I think I overdid what I thought I could emotionally handle during the first week of school. If I take longer to warm up and be open in a way that allows depth of feelings to people, then so be it. I hope everyone is pushing their boundaries in respectable manners as well as constantly checking in with themselves both physically and emotionally. Because that is the best that we can do, and the acknowledgment of that is equally important as taking that 20 minutes off your work/bedtime ritual time off.  I hope things are more challenging than this first week though. I cannot wait to smash some buttons on Felicia (yes I named my mac Felicia cause she is such a Felicia d u h) while rushing some assignments! (and of course, I'm looking forward to meet awesome, new and old friends for coffee in between.) *wink ;;)

Also here are some photos during the First Year Assembly! Big thank you to my friend for helping me photograph those moments in the sweltering heat..... I was truly drenched in sweat xd 

Totally did not expect to go full-on with my reflection on how this week has been, but oh wells not only do I like to talk to others but I also enjoy writing my thoughts down... I hope you find this helpful/empowering/relatable in any way if you are going through the same things! Being a freshman seems pretty cool for now, I guess :> Take care peeps and don't forget to have fun in whatever you are doing x

Virtual hugs, 

(because I prolly can't stand a real one)

Maretta Simon

from now onwards

                                                 

(ps excuse my tired look my sleep cycle is completely trashed this year)

Hello, peeps!

3 words to sum up last week will be balloons, level assemblies, and new faces. As you know that my cohort is the most senior students in school, it was compulsory for everyone to help out during our school's Open House last Monday. It was rather eventful with many nice and nasty potential newcomers coming in asking about what IB is, how school works here and a bunch of those standard school tours questions. It was quite mundane at first (besides psycho-analyzing each individual's choice of outfit and weird stares they think I did not notice) but the preparation time for the open house was particularly evocative for me. I never thought that I will be so immersed in a journey to the point where the thought of it ending so early caught me by surprise although I know how long it is going to last for when I signed up for it.

Looking at those new faces sparked a weird balance of sadness and a sense of fulfillment in me, just like that cozy feeling of burrito-balling during a heavy thunderstorm doing one of the many math revision notes. I can say this now because it truly is shocking how exactly a year ago, I was just like them: excited to see where I will go, ready to embark on a journey to adulthood thinking it will all be alright if I follow my plans. To give you a little context, I think long and hard about my future aspirations and was very set on them to the point where I am literally excited for the future when I wake up for school every day. Although so, this year when I am actually going to be on my own making decisions on what I want to do and where I want to go after the structured 12 years of fundamental education really scares me, in a way I definitely have never felt before.

That is also why I chose school assemblies as one of the words that summed up my week. In my school, we have level assemblies where one of those sessions will be about university guidance' aka 'pressure to know and aim where to go next' and honestly, it used to be my nap sessions but now it gives me unnecessary anxiety. (okay this is a lil bit of an exaggeration but just take it as it is ok peeps) The idea of venturing on my own is totally liberating, yet the lack of control creates an invisible apprehension which I am not sure I will be able to combat when the time for it to hit me come. Due to this, my inner lil annoying voice constantly asks my other lil annoying voices in my head: "from now onwards, what are are your plans, bud?" I guess the answer is I do have some ideas of what I want to do, but they are mere abstracts I am unsure how to tie back to the realms of my existential life as a student and an apparent young adult. So for all you souls who are just as bothered by the prospects of doing well in the future as I am, please tell yourself to always take things a step at a time, okay?

Things have been a little out of control lately, but I know one thing for sure: bravery in traveling those roads less walked always has its own edge, so be you in all things you do. Be your true self for honesty, truth and individuality are what I feel make you more human and most importantly, more alive. I hope this reflection on my week has allowed you to take a step back on your week and reflect on the challenges you faced too. From now onwards, it is always your truth that speaks the loudest to your heart and mind, so be still and listen to that voice. :)

ps: I finally formulated my thoughts on generation gap to a few questions in this form!! Please take some time and answer it here (click click)! don't worry, responses are 100% anonymous unless you are willing to spend extra time to be interviewed by me. Thanks a bunch, peeps!

love and hugs always,
Maretta Simon