Hey peeps,
But that is clearly not why I want
to write another entry now. I just feel like I have been drafting this blog
post over and over and over again in my head, but somehow I don’t have the
courage to type it down on the computer. I could not get that peace of mind to
sit down and be real to type an honest entry. Well, I made it this far, and I think
I am ready to reflect more deeply at the end of the year, at the end of the
semester, and at the end of the decade too. I think it is great to have new
year resolutions now that we are expectant of better times in the future, but
one thing I have learned over the years is that if we don’t tie up the loose
ends of the previous year, no new year resolutions are going to make any
memorable impact (not that they will last anyways LOL). So here goes nothing
:>
As December approaches and the season
got a little more festive, I thought I was all contented now that I can stop
thinking about my philosophy essay (don’t get me wrong its my fav class <3)
and the readings that piled, or the many club things I somehow squeezed time
for throughout the semester. But that was not the case. Worse still, I think it
was the first time I felt such emptiness in me. Like a donut, really. All nicely
glazed on the outside, dripping with that fragrant cinnamon-y scent most people
enjoy, yet hollow, completely poke-able from the outside. And I guess unforeseen
circumstances poked that one donut hole in me. And it was a big poke. A poke
that kind of tore the outer fried dough of the donut. And it was not an
immediate poke, but rather the kind of poking that slowly gnawed into the
innermost part of the dough until you can only feel the donut slowly breaking
apart. It began with one poke and it spread through the entire glaze and its
doughy substance.
And that was when I realized that I was
not letting myself feel the sadness I needed to feel. As I slowly understood
that it was a downtime for my emotional and spiritual state, I took time to
acknowledge that this feeling of emptiness has been piling up little by little,
but I was just too selfish to admit it initially. It is kind of funny honestly,
to be able to say so easily that emotions are tender, and that people can feel
sad sometimes, yet it is actually hard to believe it when it happens to
yourself. People are such hypocrites sometimes, I included. But that is okay, I
guess. I slowly embraced my slump, willingly or unwillingly.
So I took some time, and I thought
about how I felt. And I am so lucky to have fond memories to fall back to, a
God so great I was able to reach out to through prayers, and friends so dear to
my heart who supported my backstep and my fall. Oh and my journal too. :] these
things cushioned the fall. Still, it seemed a little odd to me that I am not
the pillar of support who listened to others’ lamentations, but I guess I can
tick the box of being sadness and emo 101 in my bucket list of experiences hah.
Kidding this is obviously not the first time I felt sad come on I am not Barbie
or some shit.
But what is different this time
though, was the fact that I felt detached from myself as I saw myself fall. It is
a weird phenomenon, but I also felt like it was right to do it that way. You know
that gut feeling that you just know you have to trust. And I did. And the cold
wind did blow hard through that donut hole. But that cold wind was a necessary
one. It was pretty humbling, and it taught me so many things.
As I unraveled this emptiness, I tried
to systematically approach this natural cycle of emotions, but I failed and
that failure encouraged me to fuck it and go deeper. And I did. And I think I knew
why I was feeling so. And that possible discovery was liberating at the very
least; the possibility of decoding ‘myself’ led me to see myself honestly and
sincerely, stripping down all the drizzles and going straight to the very
essence. And the process of recovery began then.
This whole exposition can honestly
sound pretty confusing because it is confusing to me too. The intricacies of
human emotions never stop to amaze me, and as I tried to connect them to my more
dominant rational side, I only learn that they want to be acknowledged and
respected instead of rationalized. And that is okay. Truly, there is no one
aspect of a human person that is superior to another. And I am so glad to
have been humbled to experience a blow that made me realize and believe this
fact fully.
I left out a lot of details because
I don’t want to bore you with my personal stories yuck and I did not feel
like giving a list of advice or what to do when you feel down too. Because I
feel like everyone knows to a small extent how to deal with sadness, but what a
lot of people don’t know is that time does the trick, at its own time. (yuck did I just make a pun :>) and you
need to trust the process, really. Every recovery is personal and
time-consuming, but that’s what it is. So get frustrated with yourself, spiral
down, talk to others if you want to, but always be in tune with yourself by the
end of everything.
If there is only one thing that I can
leave you and myself with, is that patience is so important when you
exercise self-care. And this year I have learned to be more patient with
myself throughout all that has happened. And I am so so so so blessed to be
able to do that. So thank you, time, for waiting for everything to iron out.
2019, you have been a tiring year I guess.
I had so many girls’ trips earlier in the year in which I laughed so hard that I
almost forgot what it felt like to not grin for a day. I had so many meaningful
conversations with people who came and stayed, as well as those who came and
would probably not stay. And I appreciate them all. I have experienced the
lowest of lows too this year, and I have learned so much from it. I think I have
been a little bit braver now. And I hope you are too, you who are reading this.
Because you too have pushed through a year of troubles, achievements,
disappointments, happy moments. And you should bask yourself in the sunshine of
gratefulness for making it this far. Now onwards to a greater year, a year
where the same shit may happen again but you are stronger and better in
handling it with all the people who matter. Cheers xx
